Last month on the blog I casually brought up the topic of alternative options to Hebrew school. You’ll have to read the short post for a quick explanation of why the question even came to my mind. But to tell you the truth, the comments on the post from parents around the country are far more interesting than what I had to say in the first place.
While parents seem open to alternative options to their kids’ Jewish educations, I heard from many parents who feel stuck on one particular “problem” that arises if you don’t do the Hebrew school route through the synagogue. These parents don’t know how they’ll handle the issue of the bar mitzvah.
The next round of questions seemed fairly obvious to me.
What do kids get out of the b’nei mitzvah experience ? What is truly positive and enriching about it?
Is the positive that they get out of the experience (I know people can name some positive and meaningful qualities) truly worth the time and effort put forth by kids, parents, and clergy? I for one have a strong Jewish identity despite having a bat mitzvah, certainly not because of it. I’m sure I’m not alone.
Would the time spent learning a particular Torah portion and Haftorah portion be better spent on a broader spectrum of Jewish literacy? I’m not for replacing all that study of text and Hebrew with service projects though. Service projects “Tikkun Olam” are great and all, but it’s not unique to Judaism to help others. We should help others–we’re commanded to, in fact–but as the main part of Hebrew school? That wouldn’t lead to Jewish literacy at all. (I’m referring to the recent New York Times article “Bar Mitzvahs Get New Look to Build Faith.”)
So I asked myself those questions and more. Spoke to friends. Read tons of articles. Then I put it all together for The Jewish Daily Forward. I hope you’ll take a look and weigh in with your opinion. Should our kids go through the typical American b’nei mitzvah experience or not? I’m still undecided. Maybe you can convince me one way or the other.
Photo by Lainie Berger on Unsplash
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15 Responses
I think the Bat/Bar Mitzvah is a personal choice to be made by the family and the child. Some children is Israel don’t read Torah, they have swim parties. It depends on what you think the Bar /Bat Mitzvah represents to you.For some it is an important passage that says “My child is able to make decisions now.” This is partly true but maybe the whole ceremony should be moved to 18 when decision making is more apt to be credible than at 13. Thirteen may have been traditionally the age of reason in Biblical times, but somehow our brains have gone backwards and children today are “younger” than their counterparts in Israel in the past so the Bar/Bat Mitzvah should maybe fit this society and the person then could make their own decision.Because the ceremony is usually so expensive to parents, it certainly should be encouraged to make it a much simpler event and not one that bankrupts the family.It’s still a personal choice.
I do often wonder if things would feel different (more worthwhile? more relevant?) if we started kids’ supplemental Jewish education later and the bar mitzvah happened at a later age! (I realize that’s not going to happen.)
Thanks for taking the time to comment and sorry it took me so long to respond!
What I forgot to mention was “Tradition”. Tradition drives Judaism whether you are Reform or Ultra Orthodox. It defines who you are by how you celebrate it.Either you believe the stories from the Torah as real or as metaphors for living, you still follow some tradition unless you are a non believer and even Humanists follow some traditions. We can’t escape them. How we celebrate or do not celebrate the holidays, the rituals is directly related to how we feel about Judaism and how we want it to fit into our lives today.The Bar/Bat Mitzvah is one of these traditions spoken about in the Torah but in 2013, it certainly has its own definition.
While it’s true that a child becomes bar/bat mitzvah at age 12/13, what’s being left out is what that means. Son/Daughter of the commandments. If you take that milestone seriously and the injunction to “teach them diligently unto your children”, it’s probably important that the 12 or 13 year old have some knowledge of these mitzvot. I agree that the ceremony, torah reading and “leading” of the service isn’t for everyone. But it still is for some. There are more options out there all the time. But I’m biased, obviously.
It has been very interesting to see the new options cropping up!
I’m not Jewish and mainly follow your contributions to WU, but this intrigued me, as I love musicals.
You continue with the bat/bar mitzvah precisely because of what they sang and taught us in Fiddler on the Roof: Tradition!
The Jewish faith seems heaped in tradition…such as the Passover (Seder) dinner. I participated in a REAL Jewish one and it taught me more than the Christian potlucks of the past.
We stop doing these things and we are doomed to forget. The best teacher is history. Keep it fresh. Keep up with the times and all should be well, but don’t discard thing of the past simply because they seem archaic.
Nice post, Nina.
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Loved that you took the time to comment on this one! And really loved your two cents, too.
Hi – speaking from the perspective of 3 down 1 to go (stuffing invites as I write). Big doesn’t necessarily mean the end. I have read Torah every year since my bat mitzvah (1979) and my kids have continued to read and lead since theirs. I like big Kiddush lunches and giving back to my synagogue community and celebrating with the “regulars”.
Leslie–I know we’ve already been emailing, but I wanted to mention that I LOVE the big synagogue Kiddush luncheon. There’s a salad they make at Beth El with tuna salad and some crunchy noodle things that is seriously my favorite lunch ever. And the sweet table? Oy. Best thing ever.
I think much depends on how you view things. I was raised not to see my Bar Mitzvah as the culmination of my Jewish education but as a milestone.
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It would be ideal if all kids saw it as a milestone. That depends on how their parents see it though.
Thanks for commenting, Josh!
I think sometimes, just as in Christianity, it can be more about the celebration and not as much about the consecration. I still remember when we went to a bah mitvah and they had a fortune teller there as part of the entertainment, which is clearly against Jewish Law. My husband was so shocked.
It’s always a good thing to “be” rather than to “have”. 🙂
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Thanks for reading this one and chiming in. I know as a person of faith you can appreciate some of the issues here.
As a tutor who helps produce the show-ready performers you’ve discussed here, I can say I completely agree. Having tutored for more years than I want to think about, this year, for the first time, I have a bar-mitzvah-age child of my own. And it really is a challenge to make this a deeper experience. We are a committed, actively Jewish family, and it’s nearly impossible to find the time and energy to add meaning to this experience for him. As a Jewish educator and parent, I would also agree that it’s really the post-bar/bat mitzvah years that are most important for creating Jewish personhood and community continuity. All that said, I still think it’s important to teach the kids the skills of Judaism. I just don’t know how to do it all!
Betsy,
I held my breath as I read that first part of the first sentence. I have been worried about offending people involved in our institutions. Thank you for making me feel like this is a conversation we can all be having without being defensive. I think things will only get better if there’s acknowledgement that things need to change. Not that I have the solution!!