I’m so lucky to have Renée Schuls-Jacobson as my March “Hobbies and Habits” guest blogger. In case you’re new to the series, the objective is to try adding something positive to your life in 2012 or to let go of something that’s bringing you down. Today, Renée reflects on how she distanced herself from a toxic friend.
Hopefully you discovered Renée’s fantastic blog, Lessons From Teachers and Twits, last week when I was her guest. But if you didn’t, then you’re in for a treat. Renée, a teacher for 20 years, tells it like it is. A writer who tackles many topics, she always makes me think, and she often makes me laugh. Today’s post is on the serious side, so make sure to check out her blog for the full Renée experience.
A generous blogger and friend, I’m honored to have Renée on the blog today. (You can also follow her on Twitter and Facebook.)
Here she is!
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I know this woman, Teri, who hates me.
Once, at a get-together, I tried to be mindful that she’d had a newborn baby. I’d made pretty nametags and
purposefully positioned Teri so that she would have easy access to the bassinette. I figured if her littlun needed attention, she could get up without having to squeeze past eleventeen-bajillion people.
“Nice to seat us so far away,” she complained. “I see where we rank.”
I felt undone by her sarcasm and after she had departed without saying goodbye for the umpteenth time, I burst into tears. “Why does she hate me?” My husband shrugged and told me to let it roll off my back.
For decades, Teri had sneered at gifts I’d carefully selected. While a guest in my home, she’d criticized my food: my soup was alternately “too salty” and then it was “tasteless.” Once, I actually called her out on the way she treated me and she began to cry big, gloppy tears.
Astoundingly, everyone got mad at me for making Teri sad.
Let it roll off my back? I’d been trying that for years and it wasn’t working.
Eventually, things got so uncomfortable that I found myself sitting with a therapist, trying to deconstruct the weird dysfunctional dance that I was doing with Teri.
“What would happen if you didn’t attend functions if you knew she would be there?” Doc asked.
I contemplated that.
“You mean, like, avoid her?”
“I mean minimize contact; otherwise, you are setting yourself up to feel awful. Why would you do that?”
I thought about that one. Why would I do that? Why had I been doing that? I wondered, feeling limp like the blue sweater that hung on the back of Doc’s door.
Doc talked about how sometimes it is necessary to minimize unpleasant situations. “I know I don’t like cold weather, so I try to get to Florida as often as I can in the winter,” he said. “If someone were to invite me to Siberia, I wouldn’t go because I know I’d be setting myself for a bad time.”
Doc asked me to make a list of things that I really didn’t enjoy doing, but felt obligated to do. Like a good girl, I did my homework, and together, we looked at the list at our next session. Doc explained how everyone has to do some unpleasant things. For example, if I like to have clean underwear, I need to do laundry.
But Doc talked about minimizing things that he considered optional.
I had never heard of this concept before; I honestly thought that a person had to do everything he or she had been asked to do and do it without complaint. Doc said I could be more selective. He taught me about toxic people: folks who, through their actions or words, either intentionally or unintentionally, make others feel miserable. That was a new concept to me, too. Doc suggested it was time to set better boundaries to protect myself. And he taught me to stop looking for friends and family members to protect me from Teri.
“She’s been acting like this for decades,” he said. “No one is going to take your side, so you’ve got to stop trying to fix her.”
So I tried the minimizing thing.
At first, it felt weird. Like I was a bad for not going to every get-together. But gradually I could see how much better I felt by not having to regularly interact with Teri.
Do I always avoid functions when I know Teri will be in attendance? No. But I have learned that if I am feeling fragile it is better to tell my husband I think it would be best if he goes it alone. Does my husband like this arrangement? I doubt it. I’m sure he wishes we could all just get along. But I can’t worry about that. That’s his wish. And I can’t control what he wants. I only know that I have to have some serious invisible bubble-suit armor on in order to prepare myself for what really amounts to abusive behavior that no one else wants to address or correct.
Daryl Hall & John Oats once sang: “I can’t go for that.” (No can do.) These days I’d rather make myself scarce than deal with emotional vampires like Teri who seek to sap me of my energy and suck me dry.
What strategies have you found to be effective when dealing with toxic people?
Nina (@NinaBadzin)
Latest posts by Nina (@NinaBadzin) (see all)
- The Post Listen to Your Mother Post - May 14, 2013
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Welcome! I am a freelance writer living in Minneapolis with my husband and four children. My essays on parenting, social media etiquette, improving my habits, Jewish life and more appear in the Huffington Post, Kveller.com, The Jewish Daily Forward and elsewhere. I'm glad you found your way here!
Ah yes, a familiar story. It reminds me of what Julia Cameron writes about in The Artist’s Way, particularly what she calls “crazymakers,” who generate drama and undermine your success. Here’s the rub, though; what do you do when that person is a close family member? I fear I haven’t come up with the perfect answer yet.
When it’s a family member, I think you need to speak your mind even more so when they start becoming toxic. I think “friends” tend to hold their tongue a lot longer for fear of alienating them. If it’s a sibling or someone close, you should be able to have it out with them. If there is no resolution, then there is no law that says you have to spend time with them either – even if they are family. Thankfully, my only close relatives are people I love (but sometimes disagree with). We can argue about things but still love each other later. Friendships sometimes don’t have the glue necessary to stay together once it’s become so imbalanced for so long. I read a web site online about narcissistic people & my former friend fits so many of those aspects, but yet she buckles under when it comes to her boyfriend; doing whatever he wants in order to keep him. She would take out her frustration on others which doesn’t so well, but she is one who has to have a guy in her life. With so many marriages behind her, she is desperate like I’ve never honestly been before. I’ve been hurt a lot of times by men in the past, but I never took that hurt out on this friend (or any friends for that matter). You don’t cut off your support system when you need them the most unless your guy has convinced you that you don’t need anyone else but him. On some level, I have honestly become a lot more contented since I’m no longer playing the charade of being this woman’s closest friend. She has run off her friends and when she eventually (hopefully) figures out that her guy is a liar and a cheater, she will see that she has no one. That, my friends, is called karma.
I just saw this in your tweet. I am going through the same thing, but I am not having any problem with it. I feel so much better than I did when I was as thick as thieves with these people. Lucky for me the couple of them that tend to pick at me, (most likely jealousy) all band together so they are easy to avoid. Yet if I run into them, they would have no idea I feel this way. I don’t feel any animosity. It’s my choice who my friends are. I just tend to carry the loyalty thing a little too far and too long.
Luckily, I have lots of friends. Great post!
Susie, you aren’t struggling because you are smart.
Remember, I’m a twit. I’m slower.
I am older than you and just figured it out in the last couple years. I’ve learned so much from my daughter. She must be an “old soul.”
Of course I know Renee and love her blog. This post is such perfect timing! About a year ago, I read a similar post on Life in the Married Lane about toxic friends and I responded saying I have a toxic friend I really need to distance myself from, which I did (for a while). But lately, that friend’s behaviors toward me have been awful and I was feeling like I needed another sign/post telling me to cut her off. It was just today I thought this. And here I am now reading this post. Thank you, Renee and Nina!
Hi Leah!
Did Rivki write about this topic? I’ll have to go back and search for it. (She is wise!) I’m sorry you have been having friendship stuff. It’s painful. I know. Be gentle with yourself. Remember, you probably aren’t even part of the drama. Maybe just take a step back quietly. Good luck. Happy spring to you!
For me personally, as I get older, I feel much less tolerance for that kind of behavior. So rather than back off from Teri, I’m pretty sure I’d TELL HER OFF (I know, not what your therapist would recommend). My filters grown thinner and thinner every day as I approach 40
. The unfair thing is that YOU are the one who has to go into hiding because of HER behavior. SO not right. But, in the end, it’s so true: you are reducing stress and removing the stressor so that you can lead a healthier life. So it makes complete sense to deal only with the way YOU feel. And if you feel better staying away, then I’d say you found a winning solution. I wonder if Teri even knows she’s doing it or GETS that you’ve adopted this new strategy because of her? My bet: no.
I have found that toxic people have a way of twisting circumstances so they look like the victims. If you told off toxic Teri, she would cry and make you look (and feel) like the bad one. She would make you question yourself and everything about you.
You have to handle things the way you see fit. Man, would I love to watch someone tell off my toxic Teri.
I love this blog. So many good comments here & it’s quite healing to know that it’s not only me who has dealt with toxic people in their life. I think it’s very hard when the toxic friend was once someone you cared a lot about & never dreamed they’d turn out this way. I honestly believe that 90% of my toxic friend’s issue is her abusive guy but I know that she’s had a streak of selfishness in her because I had seen that years ago–it just had not been directed at me in such a hurtful way until recent months. It also helps to know that, most generally, these toxic people are not only toxic to us but to other people. It was the realization that my toxic friend was turning on others (some she was also friends with but not nearly as close as she’d been with me) that really made my mind turn the corner in how I viewed her.
I think this toxic friend felt like “I” would always be there & act like things were OK (always forgiving) later but withdrawing is really the best way because if you get into an argument, these toxic people have a way of turning the tables and making you the enemy regardless of what they have done. I feel like my toxic friend would be that way if I tried to talk to her again. I did try talking to her (not in an accusing way at all back last fall & it didn’t work). She preferred to pretend that things were fine in her life & wanted everyone else to think so as well. But her venom spewed out at various times later (always when she was upset w/her guy). So, she doesn’t think enough of herself to get out of an abusive relationship.
I think enough of myself (finally) that I don’t need HER abusive friendship any longer. Even if this guy was out of her life, I doubt that I could really forgive her & go on w/our friendship. She did too much damage & I will never trust her again. That’s really HER loss, but eventually maybe she’ll figure that out & if she doesn’t, then she will still be a lonely woman with 5-6 bad marriages & many more bad relationships in her past. She’s making her own karma and that’s what I have to keep in mind here.
Another way of looking at it – which preserves your sense of obligation – is that there are competing demands on you and your time. If you choose Toxic Teri, you’re choosing to pay the opportunity cost of not doing other good, cool, enjoyable or necessary stuff you could do instead. That list includes sleeping – which is good for you and your family. Surely that puts sleeping and just about everything above TT on the list.
Oh – one more thing – don’t backslide just because you haven’t heard anything awful about her lately – or even if she appears to have improved. C’mon – you’ve given her years. Time to make room for some other people.
I agree that simply having no time to be with toxic people is the key to making a new life because, in some ways, it’s a “death” of a friendship that you’re going through. The person you once knew and cared about (my friend was like an older sister to me), it’s very hard to accept that someone has changed so drastically. Once you are around more healthy & centered people, the toxic ones look even worse than they did before (but in a way that lets you heal much easier). I’ve already experienced that some in my own situation. There are not as many outlets to talk about this kind of grief, although most everyone has been hurt by a dating relationship gone bad.
So true! Choosing to be with healthy people is like choosing to eat more healthily; once you start you really don’t want to eat the 2 pound bacon burger with cheese and fries. You really do prefer the chicken breast.
Paul:
Such a good point! Backsliding is a no no! Leopards don’t change their spots. It has taken me years of toxic dancing with Teri to finally cut things. It’s been over for a long time now, and it feels so good. But — yes — at the beginning, there was lots of mistake making. Each person figures these things out in his or her own time. Thanks for following me here!
When it comes to removing toxic friends I don’t have a problem, but when it comes to removing toxic in.laws I’m screwed! My husband works for his parents, and as much as we would like to (because they don’t pay him enough) he can’t just quit his job & move away. I’m tired of the abuse & just like above if we confront them it gets turned back on us w/ the eventual tears like we are the mean ones. Help!!
That is a toughy. BUT maybe you can keep interactions at work and minimize outside contact a little. I know it probably sounds unthinkable, but even cutting back a little can help a lot. And you are not wrong in calling it abuse. It really can be. Good luck to you, Michael.
I usually cut them out of my life or rather, they somehow organically weed themselves out. But when I do have to be around toxic people, I’ve now finally found the ability to not take their comments or actions personally. Literally let their words pass right through me and not affect me one bit. It’s been a long road to that point but that’s one of my best weapons against those kinds of people now. Great post!
I’ve been working on that, but sometimes I still get sucked in. You are more highly evolved than I am!
Yes, I still have more work to do on myself with not letting the former friend get to me. In recent weeks (when I’ve seen her at work, which is now the only time I have to see her), she’s pretty quiet. She will talk some and she no longer acts angry, but she does act very unhappy & is still very withdrawn. I don’t think her guy is likely treating her any better (with what little she has said about him) but someone who has 5-6 failed marriages behind them has a mind-set that I simply cannot relate to. I never married any of the guys I dated and I would think there would be a point where someone would mature & grow & learn what a good relationship was and what a bad one was.
A mature person would seek some counseling when they found themselves unhappy as long as this ex-friend has been. I did try to get her to talk to a counselor back last summer but I’m sure she never went. She keeps a lot of stuff inside. I think when she was in the hateful phase towards me & other co-workers, her anger for her guy would come out at us instead of him. Now, she just seems totally beat down which is unfortunate but she has also enabled and accepted whatever treatment he dished out. Maybe she’s aware she’s given up her friends for him and maybe she is really clueless. However, I look at her & see so much sadness and THAT also can affect me in a negative way. It’s not as bad as the hateful attitude but I guess a part of me still mourns the friendship we used to have.
Your ex-friend sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues. You can’t make them your own, especially if they are starting to interfere with your own quality of life. It’s hard to mourn a friendship — especially when you have to see that person on a regular basis.
Sigh.
I had one like this, too. It was pretty rotten. Wishing you peace of mind. Who knows? Maybe one day she’ll come back to you. Until then, methinks you have to let her figure out her own shizzy.
Good for you, Renee. Life is too precious and short to spend with people who seem to think they have the right to be rude and disrespectful whenever the fancy strikes them. It’s incredibly sad, but sometimes we just have to walk away.
Just so you know, at around forty, you’ll be visited by the Eff-It Fairy. The Eff-It Fairy reminds us who we were before we gave a damn about what anyone else thought of us. She helps us to say, “Eff it!” when we deal with people like the woman you are describing. She’s one of my best friends.
Piper, I’m almost 45. I’ve met the Eff-It Fairy. She effing rocks. Thanks for your support. Between you and the fairy, I’m feeling pretty covered.
I have to see this former friend tonight at work. Sad that I dread working w/her, EVEN if she acts OK. That is how much she’s damaged our friendship–it’s very sad when close friends are no longer close and it’s really only one person’s fault. In this case, I can’t take the blame because I really stuck by her through thick & thin. She’s not remembering that apparently. I have her b-day card ready to be mailed later this week. I’m signing it with my name only & not mentioning doing lunch or dinner. That way, it only costs me 45 cents to mail and I will have acknowledged her b-day without making any other kind of commitment. She did too little too late for mine last year.
Today is my former friends’ b-day and I mailed her a generic type happy birthday card & signed my name only (no love or friendship stuff added to this one) & also found a full copy of the serenity prayer that I’d been looking for. It was in the form of a bookmark, so I found some card stock & printed it on a color printer & it came out looking store bought. I don’t know that the prayer will mean a lot to her or if she’ll figure out that the card (with no mention of dinner or lunch out) is a message in itself. I did what I felt like I should do in regards to her b-day. Completely ignoring it did not seem like the best option nor did acting like everything was hunky-dory between us by telling her we’d do a meal out together. Remember she did nothing for mine until a month went by & then invited 5-6 other people to join us. I wanted to end the obligation on either of our parts. This way, even if I don’t get a card from her on my b-day, I won’t feel too bad. Sometimes we can have high expectations and sometimes we simply expect people to treat us well if we’ve treated them likewise. When it doesn’t happen that way, it’s time to CHANGE some things. I’m glad I’m making changes and am continuing to let go of this person who hurt me so badly. I went walking with my neighbor friend last night. It’s refreshing to be around someone who does not drag me down and who is not angry & unhappy most of the time.
I think you did the right thing. And what you said in the end here is the MOST important. As you surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good (and you make feel good) then the pain of the former friendship will dull. I don’t think we ever forget former friends, but you’ll be able to move forward. I’ve been there.
I’ve seen this “friend” at work a couple times since I last posted & she got the card & thanked me for it. She is acting much better now, although I have not forgotten her past behavior. It’s still hard because a part of me still cares yet knows things will never be really healed – at least not while she’s with the guy she has now. Her controlling guy’s dad just passed away & I was trying to figure out what I should do about that as I had met his Dad a few times but did not know him well. I went by the funeral home on my lunch hour & signed the book & did the viewing when no one was around. I saw that several other names were in the book so apparently others did the same thing. I’m calling it good. That way, I don’t have to see the jerk of a boyfriend & don’t have to deal with it while at the same time paid my respects in case anyone asked. I sometimes feel like my old friend will eventually see the reality with her guy & other times, I don’t think things will change. In the meantime, I’m still doing things with other people, thankfully have not worked with her much in recent weeks but when I did work with her, things were a lot better between us. Time will tell; I just have to keep moving along in life regardless of what happens w/her.
Stick with the other people.
[...] Letting Go of Toxic Friends Reneé Schuls-Jacobson shares a touching story with us that shows just how hard it can be to let go of a friend. And that sometimes, avoidance may be our best tactic. Share this:TwitterFacebookEmailPrintLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. [...]
[...] of my dear friends, Renée Jacobson (who happens to be my writing partner) recently wrote a blog about toxic friends. We all have had friends who bring us down or make us feel worse, rather than [...]
This is good advice for those of us that are trying to deal with people in organizations, too. I was recently elected to be president of our local women’s political club and we have a nasty group who love to complain about everything. I have been in this position working my butt off for about three months and taking unspeakable abuse. Thanks for your blog. This just gives me the push I need to shut the door…
Hi mmerriner:
Organizations can be tough with so many strong personalities. I remember attending a PTSA meeting and quickly realizing how cliquey it was — and unwelcoming. I worked hard on a large project once to fulfill an obligation and then I was outta there. There are plenty of places that would love to have you that do not have wonky dynamics that make you miserable. I wish you luck in extricating yourself from this stuff.
As an update, this toxic friend & I were working together the other night. She brought up an incident that happened between her & another co-worker whom she also considers a friend but whom she’s also been nasty to. This other friend/co-worker called toxic friend on her attitude. Toxic friend told me that co-worker took wrong what she said & that they were not as close anymore. I took that opportunity to tell this toxic friend that SHE & I (meaning her) were not as close either but I believed it was due to her guy not wanting her to spend time with her friends much anymore. She denied that being true, but I told her I believed it WAS true & recited back to her what she had once said about this controlling man who was “last on her list” after her kids, friends & other people. I said it almost verbatim to what she had said months ago. I also told her that maintaining a friendship w/her had proven to be very hard and that for most of the last year, I felt like she did not want me around nor even act like she cared about me anymore. She was silent but I could tell she was listening. She said something about her working every day & that she did not spend as much time with her guy as people thought. I told her that I worked almost every day as well. It’s not about work schedules. It’s about staying connected in the midst of work schedules or issues in life. I told her that she had been so self-absorbed (and maybe with good reason) but after a while, people simply quit trying. This indicated that it wasn’t just myself who had quit but also this other co-worker who snapped back at her that one night in Dec. I let this toxic friend know that it was SHE who had pushed people away instead of it being the other way around. I told her that was all I had to say about it and she said OK. I was helping her do work in her area but went back to my own area & she later came over to help me. So, for right now, things seem to be better between us but I’m not sure how much this “talk” did to change things. I know that the trust is not there anymore–not for me anyway. I had told her that she was free to call me but I made it clear why I wasn’t calling her anymore because I didn’t feel valued anymore. Maybe she’ll figure it out or maybe she won’t. She’s still with the controlling guy though. Until she decides to end things w/him, I don’t look for major changes.
Just know you are not alone. Look how many people have had issues with toxic people! Hopefully, it helped to vent. Now, onto the people who deserve your energy.
Holidays are usually the times when I feel worse about this former friend as I sometimes feel more of the void that is left from not socializing with her outside of work. I ran into a gal who got married earlier in the year & is a friend of this former friend of mine. Apparently, this married woman & her hubby do some social things with my former friend & her controlling boyfriend. Maybe it’s because I’m single that I’m a threat to my former friend? That is what a counselor person suggested. I’m not into the bar scene & not into trying to troll bars/clubs for men so that isn’t the issue. Maybe it’s because I could have some influence over her (in his mind anyway). I think what’s also still bugging me is that even after that little conversation about why people are not close to her anymore, she has never really owned her responsibility in all of this. I’m sure she knows things are not like they used to be, but she does not take the blame for where things are. To be honest, I’m NOT to blame. I did all I could to salvage the friendship and she disrespected me even though I was a loyal friend for many years. The work environment is what still bothers me greatly–that I have to see her at all there. I really believe I could let this all go more easily if we did not work together. That is very tough sometimes–not knowing how someone is going to act. However, she recently told a couple of us that she was really mad at this guy she’s with – same one she’s planning on moving in with so it should be interesting. She’s making her own bed.
[...] I know all about toxic people. [...]