Okay, blog friends, I have a new obsession. Have you heard of the recently released memoir MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche? I can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, and emailing Rachel. Yes, as in Rachel, the author. Really, I’m an animal. She’ll tell you.
Check out the premise of Rachel’s book:
When Rachel Bertsche first moves to Chicago, she’s thrilled to finally share a zip code, let alone an apartment, with her boyfriend. But shortly after getting married, Bertsche realizes her new life is missing one thing: friends. Sure, she has plenty of BFFs—in New York and San Francisco and Boston and Washington DC. Yet in her adopted hometown, there’s no one to call at the last minute for girl-talk over brunch or a reality TV marathon over a bottle of wine. Taking matters into her own hands, Bertsche develops a plan: she’ll go on fifty-two friend-dates, one per week for a year, in hopes of meeting her new Best Friend Forever.
Change the year to 2000 and the city to Minneapolis (and the hair to straight) and that was ME.
Rachel Bertsche
When I was 23 and engaged to Bryan, we moved to Minneapolis—Bryan’s home town. Since Bryan had been away from the Twin Cities for ten years by then, he wasn’t helpful in the friend-making process. Like at all. I completely related to Rachel’s experiences of going through the sometimes humiliating and always humbling process of making new friends.
Rachel chronicles in detail what it takes to make new connections when you don’t have the shared experiences of childhood or college to fall back on. Of course going on 52 “friend dates” in one year is probably more than most people could stand, but Rachel’s hyper-focused efforts yield plenty of lessons. For example, when you’re the one trying to forge friendships, you have to get used to making the first move to get plans on the calendar . . . and probably the second and third moves too. Rachel tries just about everything to meet new people from signing up for classes she never imagined she’d like (such as improv) to giving her email address to a waitress with whom she seems to click.
The word click (no, not clique) is central to Rachel’s year-long project. Weaving in research from various experts, Rachel does a fantastic job analyzing why some of her “girl dates” feel effortless and why some fizzle on the spot. You don’t have to be a newcomer in a new city to relate to those subtle pieces of social and psychological commentary, but my personal experiences moving to Minneapolis had me nodding from page to page.
In a city like Minneapolis, which is less transient than say, Chicago, NY, or DC, the process of making friends was obscenely difficult. Perhaps it was because I was only one year out of the college scene where friend-making was a cinch by comparison. Still, I never had trouble making friends before in summer programs, abroad programs, or anywhere else. In Minneapolis, many people I encountered went to overnight camp together (I’m not exaggerating), or went to high school together and even college in some cases. Their friend plates were full, a real phenomenon Rachel explains well in the book. (Read that particular excerpt here.)
I remember that feeling of loneliness and desperation for new friends like it was yesterday. Bryan was a wonderful companion—most of the time—but I’ve always been a girl’s girl. I value my friends as much now as when I was kid at Camp Chippewa making those hideous friendship bracelets out of yarn.
The desire to make friends, however, doesn’t help the problem. You have to go out there and find friends. As Rachel states in the book, “When you tell someone, ‘I’m looking for new friends,’ what they hear is, ‘I have no friends.’” That was the feeling I got from people in those first few years in the Twin Cities—like I must be a big loser to always be making such an effort to get together. Meanwhile, I considered myself a likable person—a very good friend. Just like Rachel, I had (and still have) best friends all around the country. When I’d meet new people here, I wanted to shout “I come highly recommended! Just give me a chance!” I didn’t. I hope.
Also like Rachel, I was nowhere near starting a family so I didn’t have the built-in potential friend pool of Mommy & Me or the preschool. Reading about the ways Rachel went about meeting new people, however, I realize now that my efforts those first few years were basic at best. I didn’t expand much beyond the Jewish community, and I didn’t stretch myself by trying new activities outside of my comfort zone.*
I suppose I’m not necessarily worse off for my slower process. Almost twelve years from the day I arrived in town, I have friends who feel like “old” friends. “Lifers” as Rachel calls that category. These “in town” friends and I are watching our children grow up together. We don’t need to know the dramatic details of every childhood or college moment to know that the depth of our connection now is quite real. Still, my experiences as the awkward newcomer have left me open to the idea of continually meeting new people. My plate will never be 100% full, even if I’m no longer burdened with the perpetual first move.
*For 2012 I started a new series on my blog called “Hobbies and Habits.” The series will feature guest posts (including one by Bryan Badzin!) AND my posts about trying new things or giving up a bad habit. Rachel’s audacity during her year of friend dating gave me even more inspiration. If you think you have a post that would fit, contact me. I’m accepting ten posts for this year.
GOOD NEWS FOR MY BLOG READERS! Rachel is giving away a signed copy of MWF Seeking BFF. Just leave a comment this week and you’ll have a chance in the random drawing. Link to this post in your Facebook status and/or tweet it and I’ll put your name in twice. I’ll pick the winner on 1/10/11. (I’ll see the tweets if you include @NinaBadzin. For Facebook status updates just let me know in your comment or via email: ninabadzinblog@gmail.com.)
Edited to say: WOW! SO many comments already. If we hit 100 comments by 1/10/11, I’ll personally give away a second copy. (It won’t be signed by Rachel, but hey–free book!)
Still not convinced you MUST read this book? Check out Rachel’s great press.
And watch her trailer!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggEObQlmk1w&feature=player_embedded]
I was not compensated in any way to promote this book, nor was I given a free copy. I’m just a super fan!
Nina (@NinaBadzin)
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Welcome! I am a freelance writer living in Minneapolis with my husband and four children. My essays on parenting, social media etiquette, improving my habits, Jewish life and more appear in the Huffington Post, Kveller.com, The Jewish Daily Forward and elsewhere. I'm glad you found your way here!
Oh, interesting! The author is on a website called The Debutante Ball–it’s for aspiring writers. I like her! Reading the book should be fun.
What a fabulous book premise – and I totally agree, once you graduate you realize life doesn’t come with the awesome easy friend making potential classes do!
I tweeted it, Nina. Her book trailer has inspired me to make one for my book. The one thing I can do is talk!
This book looks like a fun, inspiring read! Blend of self-help and memoir, love it. I hope to win a copy
I can *so* relate to this!
I can’t even express how much I relate to this.
{Fabulous review, Nina!}
hahaha! Love this– I so wrote about the same topic on my blog recently! Think you posted, Nina. Making friends is like dating…and the thing is, I totally believe you can’t really appreciate your female friends during college– when y’all live together and go out all the time and exist totally in the same social circles. It’s not until you’re suddenly stranded that you realize…I NEED GIRLFRIENDS! It’s like, you don’t know what you got until it’s gone. Will def. check out this book! xo
Totally identify as I moved from NY to Denver last year and my only real friend (ie– someone I don’t know in the context of professional meetups and journalist shindigs) is someone who went to my high school. Maybe its a mid-West thing? What an awesome trailer, though. If we were in the same city we’d be friends in a heartbeat. Bet you get a lot of writing done now, at any rate. Awesome trailer, btw. Technical questions for you: what software(s) did you use to make it? Did you upload it to You Tube and then use the code to embed?
Hi Susanna,
Only Rachel can answer that. It IS a great trailer! You can find her at http://mwfseekingbff.com
Nina – I keep hearing over and over how difficult it is for people to break into friendships in Minnesota. I wish I could say that the Christians in our area churches were the first to reach out – but unfortunately, I know they/I were/are just as bad as everyone else (and maybe even worse – since we are commanded to love others!) Thanks for the book connection. I am passing it on! Blessings to you – Jennifer Scott
I’m making y first big move and would LOVE some commiseration about making new friends. I don’t know how to do this!!
I love this post… I have never read your blog before today and would love to win a copy of this delightful sounding book. My book club is all friends who are not from Minneapolis but we live here now. I think it would be a great book for our book club.
I hope you guys do it for your book club. Make sure to report back! A lot of my friends are “transplants” too by the way. So glad you found the blog.
Do you know I am a 54 year old woman who after reading this thought “who would I call if I wanted to go have a cup of coffee with someone . . .” and I could not think of one person. In fact, most of my adult life I could not think of one person – except for the last few years I was in Louisiana and made the best group of women friends I’d ever have and will ever have – they’re just too far away to call for a cup of coffee. Dang. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for myself, accept how I am (kind of reclusive), or get me arse out there and find someone(s) to have cofffee and convo with! lawd.
I have had this struggle so many times! I love where I am right now, with a great groups of friends, but it took so long to get here. Thanks for the post — and the giveaway!
The fall after graduating from college, I married and moved to the tiny town where my husband’s business was located. My husband and I worked together, and for half a year he was my only friend in that area and my only companion. Although I was terribly lonely at some points, looking back I realize that that “lonely” time really forged my husband’s and my relationship. If I had been surrounded by my college or high school girlfriends, I wouldn’t have allowed Randy (my husband) to become my best friend. Regardless of that positive experience, I sure am grateful for the girlfriends around me now! Thanks for this book suggestion; it sounds very relatable.
I really relate to this post, Nina. I can’t wait to read the book.
And I’m linking it on FB.
[...] congratulations to the randomly chosen winners of last week’s book giveaway! Michelle Gilats will receive a signed copy from Rachel. And due to overwhelming response (and [...]
Tweeted! (@Froggi).
I need this book. I just moved to a new town and need friends. I just had a baby but in someways that makes it tough to make friends too. Mine’s a newborn so there’s no really Mommy and Me groups that I know of.
Great review. I found it at Goodreads.
I am way behind on commenting on this but I absolutely LOVE this post! It is so true for women of all ages – making new friends is TOUGH and I strongly believe it can be tougher for women than it is for men. Men can bond so easily over sports and other manly things while women are always more about a deeper connection and our ability to “click” with one another. Sometimes it’s easy for us to forget that we’re not the only ones out there feeling like we have no friends – there are so many women who feel that way – all it takes is one to bravely extend the invite to start a relationship. Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! This was one of my favorite posts too. I love the topic of friendship and really it never gets old for me, which was what attracted me to Rachel’s book. I checked out your blog . . . it made me want to relieve those first years out of college! I love the WP theme you’re using too. I played with that one for a while.
Stop by my blog: http://ninabadzin.com Follow me on Twitter: @NinaBadzin
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